5 things I learned from my Muslim wife
March 6, 2021
I was raised in a double-wide trailer in rural Georgia, USA. Born in 1969 and graduating high school in 1987, the ’80s and ’90s were the decades I was coming of age.
Pre-Internet. Pre-globalism. We mostly knew what was going on in our county (NOTE: that is county NOT country) through word of mouth, rumors, local newspapers, and radio.
We kinda-sorta paid attention to state events on Channel 2, Channel 5, and Channel 11 evening news. It played twice a day for an hour. Once in the morning. Once in the evening. That was it as far as I recall.
Back then, we didn’t really even pay much attention to national events across America. There was no need to. Nobody in California or New York had any bearing on my life in Gwinnett County. They were just as foreign as other countries with people and customs and ways of life I didn’t know nothing about.
Growing up I never heard of Islam. I never met a Muslim until I went to the University of Georgia. Even then, I think there were only a few Muslim graduate students and I never knew them personally. I was about as far from their culture and religion as possible.
I also didn’t know any Jews, Buddhists or Hindus either. It was pretty mono-culture. Without making any value judgments or saying it was better or worse back then, it’s just the way it was.
Nowadays, I live in Indonesia the most populous Muslim country on Earth. My wife is Muslim. My daughter is being raised Muslim.
To say there has been a learning curve over the last couple of decades for this deer hunting, trout fishing, mall cruising, Scorpions listening Georgia boy is perhaps the understatement of the century.
Here’s a few of the things I’ve learned and realizations I’ve come to along the way.
I. Gentle Patience
I’ve never really personally had this. Somehow I’ve always been in a hurry. Ready to make things happen instead of letting them play out.
A gentle acceptance of how things are and patience to let things unfold has never been my strong suit.
But I see it in my wife. She’s incredibly patient with our daughter. She allows things to happen and flow and accepts them as they come. There’s always a sense of acceptance and tolerance of the errors any kid will inevitably make. Mistakes are learning opportunities. She observes them instead of making our daughter feel ashamed or instilling a feeling of guilt for making them.
I’m still amazed to see it in action.
She’s just as patient with me and allows me to make mistakes and learn instead of trying to ‘teach’ me not to make those mistakes in the first place. She doesn’t try to control my actions or the many dumb things I do. She lets it happen. Once in a great while, I even learn from it!
I’m always amazed since I have a tendency to get mad or upset.
It’s amazing to watch and see. Gentle patience. I’m forever in awe.
II. Importance of Family and Community
In America, we value rugged individualism. It’s part of our cultural DNA. We seem to value our independence and move out of the house as soon as we can.
It’s different over here in Indonesia. Although it may well be as much of a cultural influence as any influence from Islam, there is a very different approach.
Family and community are highly valued. People live together in extended families often with multiple generations crammed into a tiny household. They share communal meals from the same bowls and plates while sitting on the ground during meal times.
Sharing food is a common form of communion and when you enter someone’s house even the poorest of families will offer tea, water, and crackers. They give the best that they have to make you feel welcome.
While it’s hard to separate culture and religion, as they are intrinsically and inextricably linked, I do, however, see a sense of community and belonging that infuses Asian culture, the Mosque, and the neighborhood.
Learning this has also made me truly appreciate my own family and friends back in the USA. I don’t know why learning these things takes time and perspective but they do.
I have come to appreciate the value and necessity of belonging and always truly appreciate how welcome I am made to feel wherever I find myself.
III. Happiness Comes from Within (and a few pastries!)
Somewhere along the way, I picked up the idea that external or material things are the key to happiness. When I finally finish University I can be happy and free! No, wait! Now I need a Master’s Degree!
DOH!
Once I get a good-paying job I will be happy. Once I have a nice car I will be happy. A house is it. That’s what will make me happy. It seems there is always something else on the horizon that will lead to that ever-elusive state of perpetual happiness.
While those things are definitely nice and truly appreciated, they aren’t the ultimate source of happiness.
My wife and I have had this conversation many times. Over the last few years, we’ve met several materially rich people that are totally miserable. On the surface they seemingly have everything, but inside they are hollow and empty, unhappy and just plain mean.
It’s no coincidence that they also don’t have true and deep friendships, nor do they have any close family or community (See #2 above).
I’m still intrigued by this. While we haven’t achieved a permanent state of happiness it seems that all fingers point to an internal source. Something inside us that’s an attitude intrinsic and necessary to appreciation and gratitude for this life that we’ve been given.
IV. Value of Fasting
I don’t think I ever heard of this back in the trailer in 1980s Georgia. Although, fasting has been part of our American heritage and history at various points in time. Apparently, there was a call by Thomas Jefferson for a National Day of Prayer and Fasting in 1779. But I’d never heard of it and it wasn’t practiced anywhere that I was familiar with.
I’ve only become curious about the practice in the last few years, but since then I’ve discovered a butt load of research that supports the plethora of benefits of intermittent fasting. Everything ranging from anti-aging, boosting your immune system, clarity of mind, and losing a bit of weight are among the documented rewards.
Obviously, my wife does this on an annual basis as part of her religion. The monthly fast is one of the Five Pillars of Islam. The incredible amount of self-discipline she demonstrates for Ramadan is admirable and forever baffles me. I am continually in awe and have a ton of respect for what she does and how effortlessly she does it.
While I didn’t pay much attention to it for a while, I am now definitely way more interested in learning and practicing this ancient ritual.
V. Take Care of Others
This seems to be a no-brainer. Yes. Help those around you. Take care of others, especially those that are less fortunate than you are. I see her do it all the time. Acts of kindness. Giving food to strangers. Words of encouragement. And often, just a simple smile.
Well, duh!
VI. Pearl Jam rules!
Obviously, I didn’t learn to count from my Muslim wife!
I said 5 things. This is #6. The BONUS!
But it’s true. We both love Grunge Music and Hair Metal. We’re children of the ’80s! What did you expect! But we do bond over Pearl Jam, GnR, and Sound Garden among others.
Kinda cool, eh?
How someone growing up on the other side of the world from such a different background and culture can be so similar?
It’s there if you take the time to look.
